Causes Of Family Conflicts And How To Resolve Them

Kirsten loved her family, but she struggled to spend time with them. Her parents had divorced when she was young, so she had two blended families.

Her older sister was super religious and spent every holiday critiquing other relatives. Her younger brother had a falling out with their mother and wasn’t speaking to her.

Her step-sister loved Kirsten and treated her well, but she couldn’t tolerate the family and wouldn’t attend reunions and other events. Her father was in and out of rehab for his drug addiction—sometimes stealing money and valuables from other relatives.

Kirsten couldn’t help but feel disappointed every time she saw a movie that portrayed a warm, kind family or heard her friend complain about her loved ones. She felt like she had gotten the “broken” family from God, and she didn’t know how to deal with it.

Common Causes Of Family Conflicts

It doesn’t matter whether they’re rich or poor; conservative or liberal; spiritual or agnostic; family has the potential to drive us crazy! Most of the time, it’s not that you don’t care about the people that God gave to you—it’s that you just don’t understand how to love them.

To begin healing rifts and start fresh in your relationships, it helps to understand where your family conflicts stems from. Here are a few reasons that families become fractured…

Common Causes Of Family Conflicts #1: Differing Opinions

David was that boy. While Saul plotted to kill the future king, Prince Jonathon became his friend, loving David as he loved his own soul (1 Samuel 18:1).

Not only did Jonathon save David’s life multiple times, but he also gave his own garments to his friend, as in verse 4:

This act symbolized Jonathon’s acceptance of God’s will in his life. He didn’t try to fight for his legacy. Instead, he trusted God even though the future wasn’t going to look like what he’d imagined as a boy.

Jonathon’s story is an excellent example of family conflict. Just like him, you’re not called to agree with your family on every issue. You can choose to quietly do the right thing and trust that God sees your heart.

Common Causes Of Family Conflicts #2: Lack Of Grace

He’s asking for the inheritance, essentially wishing for his father’s early death so he can do as he pleases. His wise father grants him his request, and the prodigal leaves.

After he’s squandered the money, he finds himself living in filth and unable to pay his bills. He can’t even afford to order off the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s. So the young man sets out for home. He hopes he can plead with his father to make him a servant, so at least he’ll have food to eat.

When he comes begging for forgiveness, his father ignores his apologies and yells for the servants to bring the young man a fresh change of clothes. His father restores him back to his place as his son and throws a party to celebrate his return.

But the prodigal’s older brother, who hears of the party, is angry. He won’t join the celebration, so his father comes to him, pleading with him.

The older brother recounts all of the things he’s done to serve his father over the years. After he comes to the end of the list, he makes a telling statement:

The older brother wasn’t willing to give his sibling the grace to grow. He couldn’t see that his brother was trying to turn over a new leaf. He was so focused on who his brother was that he couldn’t understand that God was doing a new work in him.

It’s hard when family members don’t live up to our expectations. But it’s equally hard on them when we won’t give them the space or show them the grace they need to experience God’s change in their life.

Maybe you have a sister who was an alcoholic, and you remind her of this at every get-together. Perhaps your father failed you in some way as a child, and you bring it up during family holidays.

It’s not that you must accept bad behavior. But at some point, you need to decide if you want to follow the example of the older brother or the loving father who welcomed his precious son home again.

Common Causes Of Family Conflicts #3: Unresolved Hurts

When Jacob stole Esau’s blessing, a bitter feud broke out between the two brothers.

Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself,

To avoid this outcome, Rebekah sent Jacob away to her relatives. There, he started working for his uncle, married two women, and had many children. When God called Jacob to return to his homeland, he set off to do just that.

But while traveling, Jacob learns his brother is approaching along with four hundred men. Jacob fears his brother will kill him, yet he calls out to God, reminding Him of all His kind promises.

When the two brothers finally meet, the reunion is not bitter but sweet.

The story of Esau and Jacob illustrates that there can be reconciliation and healing in a family. Even if you’ve given up hope that anything will happen, God can still soften hearts. He can change painful legacies and mend broken relationships.

When Family Rejects You

As much as we might want it, family doesn’t always understand or support us. Sometimes, your family may even outright reject you. Perhaps they feel you aren’t living up to your potential. Maybe they disagree with your views. Or maybe you spoke the truth about a situation everyone wishes would go away.

Nothing cuts quite as deep as family rejection.

The people God gave to love, protect, and honor you now sneer at you. They slander your name. They mock your pain. They betray you again and again.

When dealing with rejection, the first thing to remember is that you are dearly loved by God, and nothing can separate you from that love. In Romans 8, Paul writes:

In Psalms, David talks of family rejection, proclaiming,

When your family rejects you, it can be helpful to look for the “family” that God has placed around you. For example, Jonathan was like a brother to David. He was a special blessing from God, meant to refresh and comfort David. Perhaps God has put or is leading a Jonathan into your life.

Although Timothy grew up with his father, the man was listed as a Greek in Scripture (Acts 16:1). This means he most likely didn’t share Timothy’s faith or the faith of Timothy’s mother.  So in many ways, Timothy was without a spiritual father to guide him.

But God provided Paul to be a mentor, a friend, and a father figure to Timothy. Paul even refers to the younger man as his beloved son:

Ruth is another example of a family that God provides. Naomi sent her daughters-in-law away in the hopes that they would find good husbands and once again know the joy of family. Notice their responses:

Although she had been released from any moral commitment to Naomi, Ruth still treated the older woman as if she were her beloved mother. She swore that she would share in whatever fate that Naomi did (Ruth 1:16).

Family rejection is never easy to deal with. But you must remember that family members do not always see you as you are. For example, an emotionally abusive parent may have called you ugly, fat, stupid, or worthless as you grew up.

None of these words are true. But they can leave deep scars. This is when it’s helpful to remember what God says about you. Here are some of the words that God uses to describe you…

• You are His child (1 John 3:1)
• You are accepted (Romans 15:7)
• You are made in His image (Genesis 1:27)
• You are God’s handiwork (Ephesians 2:10)
• You are a special possession (1 Peter 2:9)
• You are engraved on His palm (Isaiah 49:16)
• You are a Holy temple (1 Corinthians 6:19)
• You are free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• You are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• You are held securely in God’s hand (John 10:28-29)
• You are an overcomer (Romans 8:37)
• You are a valuable member of the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27)

Stop Looking To Broken Cisterns

When dealing with family conflict, keep in mind that most people only love as well as they’ve been loved. This is not an excuse for poor or abusive behavior. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t call an emotionally abusive family member out on their actions or that you should let a physically (or sexually) abusive relative escape justice. Indeed, seeking justice is one thing God requires of His children (Micah 6:8, Isaiah 56:1, Isaiah 1:17).

However, this does mean that you can stop looking to unkind family members for the love and validation you need. In Jeremiah 2, God makes an interesting statement about his people, the nation of Israel. He says:

When God spoke about this, He was referring to the Israelites who often turned after idols. They worshipped these lesser “gods,” praying to them, seeking their favor, and looking to them for help.

God compares these idols to “broken cisterns.” A cistern in Biblical times was a reservoir meant to collect water. A broken cistern cannot hold water and is useless to someone living in a harsh, desert climate.

Often, we do the same thing the Israelites did…we keep seeking the validation, affirmation, and love we want from dysfunctional people (broken cisterns) who cannot supply what we really need (the love that’s found only in God’s embrace).

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with a family member or relative who is unable or unwilling to meet your needs. You just stop expecting those needs to be met. Instead, you focus on loving them where they are and being there for them.

Is There Hope For Healing?

If God had a slogan, it would simply be: “Restoring Relationships.” That’s what He does—that’s the whole theme of the Bible! It’s a story of the God who loves His creation (that’s you!) so much that He spends centuries wooing you, loving you, and seeking you.

Jesus came to earth, calling out to the unrighteous (that’s you and me!) and proclaiming that we could be made whole:

God’s forgiveness restores us…and even now, God is still in the process of restoring areas of your life, including your relationships. Esau and Jacob were apart for years before their relationship was healed. The rift between Paul and John Mark was also healed in time. Look at what Paul said about him in Colossians:

In another book, Paul even goes on later to describe the younger man as

As you hope for healing in a troubled relationship, keep praying and seeking God’s will. Ask Him to show you how to be gracious in this challenging place. Pray that God would give you a spirit of compassion and gentleness with the other person. Be quick to forgive and extend grace even if you don’t want to.

Agents Of Healing

Sometimes, God even lets us participate in the healing that’s taking place. This happened to Kirsten with her family. She was out for lunch with her mother when her mom asked about her brother’s hostility.

With a deep breath and a prayer for wisdom, Kirsten explained the situation from his perspective, sharing the deep hurt she’d seen her brother go through. Her mom had been unaware she’d wounded her son and had assumed his cold shoulder stemmed from the breakup of her first marriage.

Once Kirsten’s mom understood where her son’s hurt came from, she sat down with him and had an honest conversation. She apologized for the pain she’d caused and asked for help to heal the rift between them.

“While it’s not the total healing in my family that I’m praying for, it’s a start,” Kirsten shares. “I’m thankful that God let me be a small part of the redemption story He’s weaving in the lives of my loved ones.”

Sometimes when we ask God to heal relationships, He opens up doors for us to have painful or scary conversations. If this happens in your life, pray that God would give you a Spirit of discernment so you could speak the truth with courage and love.

And remember, you aren’t responsible for how the other person responds. Your only job is to proclaim truth and grace when you’re presented with the opportunity. Then let God handle the rest!

Grace and peace,

Alicia

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